Recently, I realized that the antidepressants we were on were causing us a lot more harm than good. I was put on venlafaxine back when I was like 15-16, and right away I knew they were causing problems, but I was too scared to tell anyone about it. I knew that I needed help with my awful mental shit, but I knew that if I told my mom the antidepressants weren't working out, she wouldn't get me any more help. I desprately needed therapy but our family doctor was adamant about loading us up on prescription drugs instead of anything else. He was the doctor who also prescribed us the antipsychotic that lead to our attempt, but that's a story for another day.
Cut back to current year. We re-realized how bad these meds were fucking us up, so we went to our new doctor and had him help us taper off, and that's what I've been doing for the last month or so. Currently we're on 37.5 mg every other day, and it's been really rough. I've been flooded with a tidal wave of emotions and feelings the meds have been supressing for years, and it's been greatly fucking with our psychosis and paranoia. I'm extremely thankful that we are living with our partner system. I feel like if we weren't living with someone we would be in a lot of danger right now. Withdrawl is making my suicidal and self-harm urges really bad, but I think I might be able to make it through this. It'll be worth it in the end if for nothing else than being able to have sex good again. I am Madoka's strongest Magical Girl, and I will survive this.
Another strange thing being off my meds has been doing is regressing me to about 13. Lately I've been kinda, stuck in middlespace and unable to get out. Something I've noticed is that lately while regressed I visualize myself as Tomoko from Watamote? So I guess I'm a Tomoko fictive now, but exclusively when I'm in middlespace. It makes sense kinda though, I relate Tomoko extremely heavily to when we were a young teen, and heavily project a lotta trauma onto her, alongside Tomoko kinda looking like a young version of how I visualize myself. It's just been a kinda weird experience that I've not ever really had before? The thing that really sparked me getting stuck at 13 was uncovering a bunch of really awful CSA memories from when I have a child which I was in no mental position to recieve, and it kinda broke me. So now I feel a constant stream of guilt and disgust knowing in part what happened to me, alongside feeling a need to relive my shit through incest/ageplay shit. Shit just all around sucks rn, but at least I'm still alive? There's that ig, but it hurts a lot. If anyone's still reading this, thanks for listening to my rant lmao. I love you.